top of page

The Aftermath of Separation: How to be BFFs with Your Ex

  • Katy Ainslie-Wallace, LPC-IT, SAC-IT
  • Apr 7, 2019
  • 6 min read

The Aftermath of Separation: Abegglen Counseling Blog

We have all been through a break-up. Some of us have experienced more breakups than we would like to admit. For some of us, it can be easier to move on and forget about someone once they are out of sight. However, what do you do when you have children?

You can’t ever really get away from that relationship. In fact, some days it feels like it's thrown in your face as a constant reminder of the past! While our children are the very beat of our hearts, and of course we love them, they can also be a spot of contention.

As a child of divorce not once, not twice, but three times, I kinda feel like an expert on the subject. Although I was possibly too young to remember when my mom divorced my father, I was still a part of it. I have some brief memories of short stays with him before he was stationed overseas. When he returned stateside and popped back into my life, there were the long-distance phone calls, presents in the mail, and month-long summer stays away from home. There were also comments about the other parent and statements that made me question who to believe, and caused some major upset for me.

My mom and her second husband had no kids (THANK HEAVENS), so he was gone the next day and on we went with life (which in my mind was like riding a unicorn over majestic rainbows).

My mom’s third husband, and my favorite step-dad, was my most stable example of what family is. When he and my mom divorced in my early 20’s, that was one of the toughest and hardest break-ups I witnessed and endured. Particularly where my little brother, then an early teen, was concerned. That sucked.

The Aftermath of Separation: Abegglen Counseling Blog

When I became pregnant at 22 (surprise!), my boyfriend and I made a go at creating a life for our little bundle of joy. We moved in together, got engaged, then bought a house shortly after she was born. We got married because… well, that’s what you do. We got along okay, and we did love each other. But over time the difficulties of growing into full-fledged adults: money, working, raising a kid when we had NO IDEA what we were doing, and learning who we were, started to take its toll. We fought. We grew apart. After a few years of marriage, we called it quits. It sucked. He was angry, and I was relieved. We went through your typical transition of pettiness, bad moods, passive aggressiveness, etc.

Fast-forward approximately one year… things got easier. He began dating again. I started dating again. We moved on with our lives, but in a parallel way. We still had our daughter together, and she was what was most important. We worked through things with her in mind, and put ourselves and our egos on the back burner.

Ultimately, we tried marriage, we worked hard, and it didn’t work out. That was no one's fault and we did what was best for everyone involved.

Today, my ex-husband is one of my best friends. We chat on the phone, we commiserate about owning a teen together, we celebrate each others successes, and we console each other when things suck in life. Do I want to break my phone into a million tiny little pieces when we do get in an argument? Oh, you bet I do! But guess what? I get to hang up, swear some, and then let it go. It doesn’t need to go any further because I know that in the grand scheme of things it won’t matter. I’ll be pissed off, and then I’ll get over it. If it’s something worth arguing about, then I’ll come back to it when I’m calm and can be effective.

So, how do we remain friends, despite our history?

Here are my take away's:

1. Your marriage may have “failed”, but you don’t have to let that define what happens next. Sometimes things need to grow into something different, and we need to radically accept that and move forward.

2. Take ownership of your own stuff. If you catch yourself being petty, passive aggressive, unreasonable, etc., and when you notice it… OWN IT. Apologize. Ask to start over. (Idea being that if you model it, they will follow suit).

3. The kid(s) comes first. You both are allies for your kiddo(es), so keep that in the front of your mind. Lead with that in all interactions, and I promise that over time it becomes natural and immediate.

4. You are a rubber wall. All the shit and anger your ex throws at you, bounces right back at them. That’s their stuff, not yours. Don’t take that on.

5. Don’t talk or make decisions if you are angry or crabby. That nearly never works out. If you are cranky, all the things they did that pissed you off before are bound to trigger you again when you are vulnerable. Bonus, though: You get to go back to your home and not be around it!

6. Whoever is the angrier one from the divorce… let them start dating first. Trust me on this.

The Aftermath of Separation: Abegglen Counseling Blog

7. Go out with your kid(s) together. As long as your kid(s) know that it doesn’t mean that you are getting back together, then have a meal together, go to the zoo, join-in family events with extended family. They need to see that you can still be a family; it will just look different. Different is okay.

8. Remember what brought you together. You liked something about them in the beginning. Try to remember those in place of all the crap that bugged you. Find the good. It’s still there, and maybe there are new things! When we focus on the negative, that is all we see.

9. Be happy for their successes or new relationships. Will it hurt? Fuck yeah. You had a kid together, a life. It’s bound to hurt to see someone else move on. But guess what? You get to move on, too. So move your ass. Focusing on the hurt and anger won't do anyone any good. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You get a new lease on life, so start living it!

10. If you can’t be civil to each other... pretend. Practice. Keep working at it. Be the bigger person. Go to therapy. Read self-help books. Join a group. Just keep working. Your kid will thank you, and even if it doesn’t work, your kid will notice that you are trying.

I know that this relationship won’t work for everyone, nor should it.

Some people need to be permanently out of our lives, and if that is true, then that is what is best for everyone. This only works if both parties are capable and agree to it. You and your kid’s safety comes first.

There are probably more tips I could give you. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been so worth it. I care about my ex. He’s one of my best friends. It was not always that way, and many days it would have been easier to have never seen him again. But that is not the case, and we have made the best of a difficult situation.

Our daughter is what's important, not our egos.

So we communicate, we plan, we discuss, we support each other, we support our daughter. Our daughter knows she can’t play us against each other, that we will make her work through her issue with the other parent rather than use us to run away. Is she happier with us divorced? No. She wishes we were a whole family and has struggled, but she has two homes that are supportive, stable, and safe. As she gets older, she’ll understand that we have done our best and none of it is her fault.

So, not only do our hearts need to mend, but we also need to provide and care for our children. No matter the reasons for a separation, we are and always will be bound by that child. It’s up to us to control what we can and work towards the outcomes we hope for.

Take care,

Katy

If you are interested in scheduling an appointment with Katy, you can reach her via email: kainsliewallace@abegglencounseling.com

or call our intake line: 608-709-6972

Don't forget to share, like, love, and tweet IG: @abegglencounselingmadison TW: @abegglenccllc FB: www.facebook.com/abegglencounseling

[This article does not create a client-counselor relationship. This article is general counseling information and is not to be considered legal or medical advice. Please consult with your mental health professional before you rely on this information.]

7 Comments


Gloria Henley
Gloria Henley
Dec 06, 2023

Marriage and relationship solver by Priest Leveno Email priestlevenospell@gmail.com.

My husband left me and my daughter and never returned till Priest Leveno intervened. I had marital issues with my husband which made him leave me and traveled to another city. At some point i was depressed and got help from nowhere till I came in contact with Priest Leveno who helped me. He restored the love and connection between me and my partner and I got him back after 2 days as he promised. Just like everyone else talking about him, I am here to tell good of him and thank him for bringing joy to my life once again. He won’t fail if you give him a try to…

Like

Sharon mike
Sharon mike
May 16, 2021

oh my god !!!!❤️❤️


I am so excited to have my lover back......


He helped me with my break-up problem and restored my relationship. he cured me from Herpes,,if you need his help, https://robinsonbuckler.com his Email:Robinsonbuckler11 @ gmail (.) com


I am so excited to have my lover back......🤗🤗.......

Like

florenceamos667
Oct 05, 2020

My husband packed out of the house to live with another lady who he met at the supermarket and went in a relationship with her. He sent me divorce papers. I did not accept the divorce because I love him very much. I don’t want my family to break apart. I suspected the lady use a spell to tie my husband so he cannot return to his family. I was searching for tips on how i can save my marriage from divorce. I came across a comment which says [lovesolutiontemple1@gmail.com] priest manuka helped her to recover her husband back after several months of breakup” and I took the email that was presented on the comment. We communicated and I was…

Like

ruthpatrick227
Oct 04, 2020

Thanks to prophet munak for restoring back my marriage after 1year of separation finally my husband came back home is back home with the intervention of prophet munak powerful reunion prayers that take his mistress out of our family. the great prophet who has play a very vital part in my life to make me happy again in my marriage. today i am full of joy and happiness to be with my family again after all i went through, thank God for using the prophet to restore love back. for more information and help contact him via: holyprophet8@gmail.com

Like

nicolepapi220
Aug 07, 2020

(HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK) I want the world to know a great man that is well known as priest manuka, he has the perfect solution to relationship and marriage problems. The main reason why i went to manuka temple was for solution on how i can get my husband back because my husband left home to another woman and he was seeking for divorce and i don,t want that to happen and i need him back home. And i have read some testimonies on the internet which some people has written about manuka temple and i was so pleased to contact him on his email (lovesolutiontemple1@gmail.com) which he did a perfect job by casting a spell on my…

Like
Stay up to date with our monthly newsletters and our weekly blogs | Subscribe Below!
Abegglen-Logo-icon-REV.png

Contact Us

Abegglen Counseling & Consulting, LLC

Email | info@abegglencounseling.com  

Intake/Info | call/text 608.709.9672 

Billing | call/text 608.620.4209

Fax | 608.416.1535 

Which location do you prefer?
Is there a certain therapist you'd like to work with?

This form is not a secure form of communication.  By using this form you are signifying that you understand this and would still like to contact Abegglen Counseling. 

Fitchburg/South Madison | 2920 Marketplace Dr Suite 203 Fitchburg, WI 53719

Downtown/UW Campus | 740 Regent St Suite 201 Madison, WI 53715

bottom of page